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A Fradulent Review of These Stupid Shoes

May 13, 2014 by in Journalism, The Maude

dollheads

The Maude, May 13, 2014

ModCloth refused to accept my review of these sassy, v. avant-garde wedges, so I shall be heard here, on The Maude, a weblog which has nothing to do with fashion or looking good or even feeling good, instead. My very legitimate customer complaints will not be silenced:

I was so excited to find these shoes. I’ve always thought that my outfits were not complete without a symbolic trampling of my childhood in the form of disembodied doll heads. And for 12 hours they were spectacular. I so enjoyed looking like the twee heroine who took a stand against toy manufacturers and their outrageous promotion of unrealistic body ideals, or maybe the victim of devastating claw machine accident that claimed my feet.

Unfortunately, as I stopped at the supermarket on the way home, the clear heel of the left shoe became dislodged and six Barbie heads popped out and skittered across the floor. I was able to rescue two, but the four others were picked up by a particularly slobbery child and could not be retrieved. My left heel is sadly depopulated and I will be seeking a refund.

It’s such a pity because I really did want to thank you, ModCloth and Jeffrey Campbell, for bringing me the attire of a clear-heeled erotic dancer in a post-apocalyptic world where cash economy has fallen to the power of Mattel and all transactions are made in severed Barbie heads.

Recommended to anyone who has performance art deadline approaching and/or large supply of excess doll heads.

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